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the ‘A’ word…

I don’t know where to begin, or how to effectively write this blog post so that it will accurately depict the true shit-show of a date I had the other night.

Last Friday night I met up with a new Tinder-prospective at a downtown bar in Newton. I walked into the crowed bar a few minutes early, I sat down and ordered a glass of red wine. About five minutes later Eli walked in behind me.  He came in wearing a light blue Polo (about two sizes too small), skinny jeans and a clean-shaven face.  He introduced himself and sat down and ordered a hot tea.  He didn’t ask how I was doing or how my day was, the first thing he asked how I was “feeling”. How are you feeling? Multiple times, complete with weird hand gestures.  Instantaneously, in that moment I knew we weren’t compatible.

I said I was FEELING fine. The conversation from there took an immediate nose-dive; it went a little something like this…

Eli: “I want to talk to you about something.  I want to talk to you about abortion.”

Me: “I don’t really want to talk about abortion”

Yes, this is exactly how this conversation began, two minutes into meeting each other.

Eli: “I want to talk to you about abortion. We need to talk about it.  We, as a society, are not talking about it as much as we should be.”

Me: “I really don’t think this is the place or the time.”

Eli: “The conversations are out there on social media, but people are not having the discussions face to face and it isn’t right.”

Me: “Maybe because people don’t feel comfortable sharing their beliefs out in the open.”

Instead of him dropping the topic, he demanded we have the conversation. He demanded to know my feelings, despite how uncomfortable and unwilling I was to share them.  This bickering went back and forth for probably about 10 minutes, 10 minutes too long.

He made up a story about how, if he and his pretend girlfriend were pro-choice, then they became pregnant, then the government recently decided for them that they couldn’t have an abortion how upset he would be.  I suggested if it affected him so deeply he should consider condoms.. (let’s be honest this guy isn’t getting laid anytime soon anyways).

At this point I dropped my credit card on the bar to cash out

He said he shouldn’t have to wear condoms or worry about pregnancy because it “isn’t life”.  I told him when there is an existing, beating heart something is considered alive.  He responded with, “that’s your opinion.”

Now we are in a full blown fight over a topic I was adamant I didn’t want to discuss in the first place.

In that moment, I picked up my debit card (drink unpaid for), called him an idiot, and walked out.

I walked back to my car and drove off.  A few minutes later he texted me to declare that it was “rude” to leave him with wine tab, and ended with “goodnight!”.

This was easily the most offensive date I’ve even been on.  From the moment this guy walked into the bar, my feelings were completely disregarding. This is someone who works for himself and likely doesn’t have a lot of person-to-person contact. I believe the sole purpose for meeting me was to start some political debate, and get some kind of gratification that he can’t get sitting in his living room staring at a computer screen. It was so disgusting and I hope in my travels I never bump into this nutcase again.

Look out Newton, Eli is out there looking for midnight teas and conversations about abortions!

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Speed dating

I wanted to try speed dating for as long as I can remember. The idea of sitting in an unfamiliar lounge, across from a total stranger, with a glass of red in my hand seemed appealing.  Luckily for me one of my coworkers felt the same!  We signed up for a Relish Speed dating event back in December, just a couple weeks prior to Christmas; however, due to a lack of registrants, it was cancelled.  So recently, I decided to use my event credit and sign up for another event.

It was a Monday night, around 7:20pm when I pulled into a parking spot on a busy Back Bay street. I parked and paid the parking meter that timed out at 7:59pm.  Annoying because the Speed dating was scheduled to begin at 8pm. I walked around the Pru and went back to my spot just before the event was about to begin.  I fed the meter my credit card and, again, it timed out at 7:59pm.  I got into my car and drove about a ¼ mile down the street to find another parking spot, parked and tried to feed the meter one more time.  Again, it timed out at 7:59pm. In anger I got back into my car.  Surely this was a sign that my 8:00pm Speed dating event wasn’t meant to be. I sat for a few minutes contemplating driving home, or parking in a nearby garage. It was then, through my tears of frustration, I noticed the sign… Meter Pay from 8:00am – 8:00pm.

I am a dumbass.

I left all three of my meter tickets on the dash and heading toward the restaurant. During my walk I passed another girl feeding the meter her credit card, I smiled at her and kept walking.

The event took place in a small hole-in-the-wall Asian fusion restaurant located below street level. It was dark, service was poor, but it was kind of exactly what I expected.

There were 10 men and 10 women. We each were assigned a number 1-10.  The men would sit across from us and move every five minutes.  Five minutes is a long time to talk to someone you don’t want to talk to.  There were a lot of different types of people there. I was ridiculously underdressed—not in a flannel kind of way, but in a i-didn’t-put-any-effort-in kind of way. We each got a scorecard and had to rate our partner on a 1-5 scale.  The awkward part was we could see each other’s cards, so we know how the person before us was graded.  Each time a new man sat we exchanged the same three questions:

“what do you do for work?”

“what do you do for fun?”

“what brought you here?”

You can only answer those questions so many different ways, and by the end of the evening I had four different careers (shit you not).

I added up the points on my scorecard and listed my Top 3. I handed in my card to the host and left. I think people stuck around for drinks and chatting, but I was mentally exhausted and anxious to ensure my car wasn’t towed.

Early the next morning I received an email from the host of the event. Two of my Top 3 were a mutual match.  Both men sent me an email the same morning.  They were both sweet guys, but I didn’t reply to either.  The weird thing about Speed dating is you pick your Top 3 based on who wasn’t terrible, and there was enough TERRIBLE to know who my finalists were.  That said, they weren’t terrible but they weren’t  necessarily guys I would want to match with in a different, say an organic, situation.  To be honest I think both of them were looking for a Green card.

The event itself wasn’t bad. The concept is kind of fun. If I had the choice I would probably do it all over again; however, I don’t think anything will come of it.  I am happy I put myself out there and tried it.  I’m also happy my car wasn’t towed.

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(lumber) Jack-Jay

This past weekend I was true to my word and I went on an online date.  I matched with Jay on Tinder earlier in the week and we decided to meet up for a beer.

I watched Jay walk into the brewery.  He was wearing a flannel shirt, work boots, and an inappropriately-long beard.  I sat there for a second and debated how long I wanted to let him search the room for me.  Then I decided I wouldn’t be a jerk, so I stood up and introduced myself.  Jay and I actually hit it off.  I was pleasantly surprised by this because I never like anyone I meet from an app, EVER!

Here’s a quick summary of our date:  beer (I don’t actually like beer, but I can play nice), good conversation, lots of doggies.  Jay has a daughter the exact same age my son, we had some mutual hobbies/interests, etc.  I had one beer because I like to be a classy girl when I first meet someone.  After I finished my drink, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.   Jay messaged me about an hour later about meeting up again.  –on a side note, I appreciate this and I’m all about being upfront, I hate the waiting game.

We spent the rest of the night continuing our conversation from earlier.  We were  messaging back and forth for a few hours. Then, out of nowhere, he sends this:

how long have you been on here?

hmmm…what?  so, ya.. he didn’t mean to send me that message.  SPOLIER ALERT: he’s carrying on conversations with multiple women.  And he was very upfront about the obvious text message mishap.  And replied with, “I’m sure you have other conversations available to you as well.”  Ya dude, I have like 959 matches in my Tinder queue right now.

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Where we left it:

I don’t know why this bothered me. I’m not a particularly jealous person and I’m very empathetic to the way people handle online dating. Carrying on conversations with multiple people is a good way to keep yourself  from wasting time.  It’s silly to put a ton of effort into one person to just have thing fizzle out and have to start over.  Of course I don’t practice what I teach, but I do understand this mindset 😉

I think what bothered me in this situation is that we just met each other a few hours before, it was obviously a mutual like, but still he had to go back home and jump on his phone looking for more attention. I feel like I cant keep someone like that happy.  I think I’m in the point of my life where I do my own thing and I’m not going to be compatible with someone who needs to always be in a relationship or always need attention, it makes me feel very pressured.  So after his short explanation/apology, I squashed it right then and there.

The next morning Jay texted me and apologized again. He had no reason at all to apologize, but the conversation really needed to be over, so I squashed it, again.

I make a lot of decisions off of vibes.  My gut rarely steers me the wrong way.  I felt like it was too soon to be disappointed.  Moving on.

work-a-holic

As the month of April is quickly coming to a close, I realized that the new year is now a 1/3 of the way completed!  a third of the way!!

To recap: my 2019 New Years resolution was to ‘get out there and online date’.  In the past three months I’ve been on zero dates; and you know what?  I’m okay.  Before writing this blog entry I wanted to reevaluate why my NYR was a miss, and I quickly realized I am just too damn busy.

A few months back I picked up a second part-time job.  I needed a little extra money and also really wanted more of a social life on weekends.  Right now I currently work as a server in a country club every Friday and Saturday night.  Its a little silly, but I am planning to get into bartending and actually start making some cash on the side.  A friend of a friend got me this country club gig, and considering I have no restaurant experience I figured a foot in any door was a start. My intention is to get comfortable serving and move to the bar.  I want to work somewhere where I can make tips and start putting some serious cash away for a down payment on a home.

Right now my week is filled weekdays in the office and weekends in the country club.  I’m also doing the single mom thing five days a week, dealing with some serious health issues (many doctors appts in Boston) and trying to maintain some low baseline level of physical activity.  In the past few months I have been seriously looking for a pet, and I found one.  In a couple weeks I bring home my very first puppy.  This is a really big deal for me, as I’ve wanted a dog my entire life. Now my weekend hikes at Blue Hills will be with my new little buddy…hooray.

I’m trying to think what else is new in the past couple months since I’ve blogged….I have discovered the importance of properly hydrating. Tom Brady says half your body weight in ounces. I drink vast quantities of water now.  I totally have that down and then some.  I’ve also been really big into moisturizing.  I officially adopted an old lady bedtime routine with lotion and under eye cream, etc.

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I know, I’m lame.  I’ll give online dating another try.  🙂

he has a girlfriend..

Six weeks ago (whoa I haven’t blogged in a while) I went on yet another online first date. It was the same mediocre thing. I met a successful, goofy-looking, comb-over, finance-guy in Quincy, had a quick drink and then went our separate ways.  There was no connection and the conversation was painfully boring. It was early on a Saturday evening when I headed back towards home.  I stopped off at the gym for a quick swim.

Every Saturday night I swim at the gym.  The pool is empty on weekend-nights so its my opportunity to practice all the weird shit I don’t want to practice when there are other people around, like: open turns, flip turns, and deck ups, etc.  Anything that may result in injury that I wouldn’t want an audience for.

After my swim I threw on a sweatshirt and headed for the exit, that’s when my friend Robert invited me out for a quick drink.

Robert has been helping me swim for the past six months. To be honest, I am only a halfway decent swimmer because of him.  He helped me a lot with my form and taught me drills to help with pulls and back-kicks.  Robert and I went out to grab a drink and ended up talking for a couple hours.  It wasn’t a date it was just two people (two Taurus’s..) hanging out outside of the gym.

The conversation was effortless. We talked about everything and I gave him my number and left.  I remember thinking that evening that THAT was how it was supposed to be, effortless. Nothing like the first dates I’ve been on lately.

The next day he texted me and suggested we go out for drinks again, which we did.

What has transpired over the past six weeks is difficult to explain. It was like discovering chemistry with someone who I  already knew. I always liked him, even looked forward to seeing him, but I never saw him in that light before.  He wasn’t traditionally the type of guy I would go for, but after our first date I actively looked past any stereotypes and was open to whatever happens, happens.  Because him and I were already friendly for quite a while it was easy to trust him and everything flowed naturally.

This past weekend something felt aloof, so I avoided the gym and gave him space.   Monday morning he texted me..

“hey, I hate to tell you this, but I’ve been seeing this girl and she wants to be serious, so I cant see you anymore.” 

I cant even describe the shock from getting that message. This was someone who claimed he wasn’t seeing anyone else just a few weeks before.

I didn’t say much or react much but I was so taken off guard, but I felt lied to.  A few hours later his name popped on my phone when he ‘liked’ a picture of mine on Instagram. Now I was angry, what a nonchalant thing to do after he hurt me. To avoid anymore games I blocked him and his number every way possible.

Now I am here, today.

I started this blog to hold myself accountable to dating and to attempt to meet someone. I still don’t know how I feel about the bullshit Robert pulled but I’m not as angry as I probably should be.

This entire scenario and how it played out is very much the reason I didn’t date at all last year. Everyone is in it for their own best interest, even the people you think you know.  Dating is tiring and its a roller-coaster of emotions.  I expect nothing from strangers, but I expected more from him.  The disappointment and regret from everything that happened the last six weeks is just sitting on me like weight.  I am just sad that I lost someone I considered a friend and I wish the whole thing didn’t happen.  I feel how I felt in 2018, I just want to be left alone.

Mountaineering Matt

Matt and I planned a rock climbing date, but at the last minute I cancelled; I forgot about my fear of heights. I genuinely wanted to go, but I’m a chicken. I appreciate that he was understanding. We opted for lunch at a small Mediterranean place in Watertown instead.

Matt recently moved back to Boston after four years of hiking in Uganda. He’s currently a grad student at Harvard working on the thesis for his second book.  He’s lived all over the world.  He was one of the single-most interesting men I have ever met (sans Dos Equis).  He was very easy to talk to and very down to Earth.  He used phrases like emotionally-intelligent. That’s one of my favorite things to say and (spoiler alert: I did not go to Harvard)

So the catch with Matt… He walks everywhere with his full-size hiking pack and tin thermos in tow.  He doesn’t have a traditional job, or a car. I can get behind that though.  What I wouldn’t give to forget my Benz in Brockton for the night and be rid of that car payment.

Overall the date went well, we had really good conversation. As soon as I got home he texted me and sent me a friend request on Facebook, which I thought was a little fast, but I guess he felt the date went well too.  I did check out his pictures and he’s been all over; Africa, Asia, it’s incredible. My only comparable experience is Disney’s Animal Kingdom Lodge.

Matt is certainly much more well-rounded and cultured than me. I probably won’t see him again.

What I learned from this experience is that routine and monotony are very sexy to me. I can’t wake up one day and backpack around Hong Kong, unfortunately, so I can’t be with someone who wants to. I need a partner who wakes up and goes to work, has the same interests, wants to see the same things.  I don’t want the pressure of having to reinvent myself every couple of years to keep my husband happy and interested.  I need predictability.

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