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the ‘A’ word…

I don’t know where to begin, or how to effectively write this blog post so that it will accurately depict the true shit-show of a date I had the other night.

Last Friday night I met up with a new Tinder-prospective at a downtown bar in Newton. I walked into the crowed bar a few minutes early, I sat down and ordered a glass of red wine. About five minutes later Eli walked in behind me.  He came in wearing a light blue Polo (about two sizes too small), skinny jeans and a clean-shaven face.  He introduced himself and sat down and ordered a hot tea.  He didn’t ask how I was doing or how my day was, the first thing he asked how I was “feeling”. How are you feeling? Multiple times, complete with weird hand gestures.  Instantaneously, in that moment I knew we weren’t compatible.

I said I was FEELING fine. The conversation from there took an immediate nose-dive; it went a little something like this…

Eli: “I want to talk to you about something.  I want to talk to you about abortion.”

Me: “I don’t really want to talk about abortion”

Yes, this is exactly how this conversation began, two minutes into meeting each other.

Eli: “I want to talk to you about abortion. We need to talk about it.  We, as a society, are not talking about it as much as we should be.”

Me: “I really don’t think this is the place or the time.”

Eli: “The conversations are out there on social media, but people are not having the discussions face to face and it isn’t right.”

Me: “Maybe because people don’t feel comfortable sharing their beliefs out in the open.”

Instead of him dropping the topic, he demanded we have the conversation. He demanded to know my feelings, despite how uncomfortable and unwilling I was to share them.  This bickering went back and forth for probably about 10 minutes, 10 minutes too long.

He made up a story about how, if he and his pretend girlfriend were pro-choice, then they became pregnant, then the government recently decided for them that they couldn’t have an abortion how upset he would be.  I suggested if it affected him so deeply he should consider condoms.. (let’s be honest this guy isn’t getting laid anytime soon anyways).

At this point I dropped my credit card on the bar to cash out

He said he shouldn’t have to wear condoms or worry about pregnancy because it “isn’t life”.  I told him when there is an existing, beating heart something is considered alive.  He responded with, “that’s your opinion.”

Now we are in a full blown fight over a topic I was adamant I didn’t want to discuss in the first place.

In that moment, I picked up my debit card (drink unpaid for), called him an idiot, and walked out.

I walked back to my car and drove off.  A few minutes later he texted me to declare that it was “rude” to leave him with wine tab, and ended with “goodnight!”.

This was easily the most offensive date I’ve even been on.  From the moment this guy walked into the bar, my feelings were completely disregarding. This is someone who works for himself and likely doesn’t have a lot of person-to-person contact. I believe the sole purpose for meeting me was to start some political debate, and get some kind of gratification that he can’t get sitting in his living room staring at a computer screen. It was so disgusting and I hope in my travels I never bump into this nutcase again.

Look out Newton, Eli is out there looking for midnight teas and conversations about abortions!

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Speed dating

I wanted to try speed dating for as long as I can remember. The idea of sitting in an unfamiliar lounge, across from a total stranger, with a glass of red in my hand seemed appealing.  Luckily for me one of my coworkers felt the same!  We signed up for a Relish Speed dating event back in December, just a couple weeks prior to Christmas; however, due to a lack of registrants, it was cancelled.  So recently, I decided to use my event credit and sign up for another event.

It was a Monday night, around 7:20pm when I pulled into a parking spot on a busy Back Bay street. I parked and paid the parking meter that timed out at 7:59pm.  Annoying because the Speed dating was scheduled to begin at 8pm. I walked around the Pru and went back to my spot just before the event was about to begin.  I fed the meter my credit card and, again, it timed out at 7:59pm.  I got into my car and drove about a ¼ mile down the street to find another parking spot, parked and tried to feed the meter one more time.  Again, it timed out at 7:59pm. In anger I got back into my car.  Surely this was a sign that my 8:00pm Speed dating event wasn’t meant to be. I sat for a few minutes contemplating driving home, or parking in a nearby garage. It was then, through my tears of frustration, I noticed the sign… Meter Pay from 8:00am – 8:00pm.

I am a dumbass.

I left all three of my meter tickets on the dash and heading toward the restaurant. During my walk I passed another girl feeding the meter her credit card, I smiled at her and kept walking.

The event took place in a small hole-in-the-wall Asian fusion restaurant located below street level. It was dark, service was poor, but it was kind of exactly what I expected.

There were 10 men and 10 women. We each were assigned a number 1-10.  The men would sit across from us and move every five minutes.  Five minutes is a long time to talk to someone you don’t want to talk to.  There were a lot of different types of people there. I was ridiculously underdressed—not in a flannel kind of way, but in a i-didn’t-put-any-effort-in kind of way. We each got a scorecard and had to rate our partner on a 1-5 scale.  The awkward part was we could see each other’s cards, so we know how the person before us was graded.  Each time a new man sat we exchanged the same three questions:

“what do you do for work?”

“what do you do for fun?”

“what brought you here?”

You can only answer those questions so many different ways, and by the end of the evening I had four different careers (shit you not).

I added up the points on my scorecard and listed my Top 3. I handed in my card to the host and left. I think people stuck around for drinks and chatting, but I was mentally exhausted and anxious to ensure my car wasn’t towed.

Early the next morning I received an email from the host of the event. Two of my Top 3 were a mutual match.  Both men sent me an email the same morning.  They were both sweet guys, but I didn’t reply to either.  The weird thing about Speed dating is you pick your Top 3 based on who wasn’t terrible, and there was enough TERRIBLE to know who my finalists were.  That said, they weren’t terrible but they weren’t  necessarily guys I would want to match with in a different, say an organic, situation.  To be honest I think both of them were looking for a Green card.

The event itself wasn’t bad. The concept is kind of fun. If I had the choice I would probably do it all over again; however, I don’t think anything will come of it.  I am happy I put myself out there and tried it.  I’m also happy my car wasn’t towed.

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ghosting.

ghosting

 

My tried-and-true experience has shown that online-dating doesn’t exist without a great deal of pain, torment, and heartbreak. You cannot progress down the path of success until you’ve endured some of the games associated with online dating.  For me, every Tinder experience I’ve had, has ended with the guy either fading-away or ghosting completely.  Unless the courtship was ended by me, in that case I pull the its-not-you-its-me card (….what can I say, I’m old-fashioned).

A quick terminology break down:

  Fading-away is when someone slowly disappears.  They take longer to respond back to your messages.  Time in between dates is longer.  All of a sudden they are very busy at work.  They become a neglectful partner and a shitty person in hopes that you do the dirty work and dump them.

   Ghosting happens when the person just disappears: no call, no text, no goodbye, no explanation.  It leaves you wondering if they lost their phone or were kidnapped or event killed.

I’ve been dating *J* (from the gym) for about a month now. We have been on more than 10 dates; baseball games, mini golf, bowling, hiking, movies, food, drinks, etc. We got into a habit of hanging out nearly every other day, texting throughout the day and even *gasp* talking on the phone.  We made weekend plans around each other schedules, and we spent lunch breaks together during the work week.  I have been a single girl for nearly three years now, but if I didn’t know otherwise I would say we were very much going down the path to exclusivity.

*J* and I were very much together, until we weren’t.

One day last week I texted around 11:30a to see if he had lunch plans; he replied back… at 6:30p.  When he did finally reply, he apologized and said he had a busy day.  I knew this response all too well. The following day we met up for lunch, during conversation he mentioned that it had been slow at work and he was trying to find ways to pass the time.  When I heard that I instantly felt sick to my stomach.

So he did ignore me.

I said nothing and we continued to talk as normal.  We made plans to meet up on Sunday, he said he wanted to take me into the city.  My excitement over our weekend plans overshadowed my feelings from the day before. After we finished lunch, hugged/kissed goodbye, and both went back to work.  I texted him a few hours later to see how his day was going; there was no reply.  I waited.

Three days have passed and my phone has been silent. I am completely dumbfounded and blindsided.  I never said he was the love of my life, or that we were even that compatible for that matter, but we did have a lot of fun together. I met his work friends, his roommates, and we had mutual friends between us.  I didn’t expect this from him mostly because of how good things have seemed to be going.

I feel exhausted having put so much emotional energy into someone to have it just end without any kind of forewarning. I feel angry that I wasn’t worth any explanation; but this is online dating, and this is the experience I have come to know.  Over the past few years, I’ve stepped aside from online dating plenty of times; I’ve gone several months at a time without looking at a dating app, let alone taking to someone. Unfortunately being single is the battle of the lesser of the two evils.  I keep coming back to these apps because taking an active role, even with constant disappointment, seems better than sitting around doing nothing at all.

At 33 years old, I have finally passed the point in my life where I need answers from someone. I deserve some sort of explanation but I’m not going to ask for it. I’m not going to wait for it either.  For now I’m just going to move on and try to forget.

*sigh*

a little bit psycho

Surprisingly I met someone on Tinder, and, by some magical-powers-that-be, we have cleared passed our third date!

Even though *J* and I started texting through Tinder, I already knew him from my gym, where he works as a Personal Trainer.

…yes, I know *the gym*…

Current statistics of men I’ve dated from my gym: 0-2. But maybe the third times a charm? If not, I will unofficially be the gym-whore of Lifetime Fitness, ugh.


Fast Forward to Today

This morning I woke up and started my morning with a shower, turned bath.  Here I sat in the tub contemplating my life and every poor decision I’ve ever made (as I do every morning).  This morning; however, I decided to check Tinder. I opened the app and started scrolling through my direct messages and I noticed *J’s*profile picture was updated.  Since *J* and I started talking, I’ve barely checked Tinder, let alone updated my profile with new pictures.

 I need to ask: Why would someone update their profile?  Is there any reason other than to attract someone new?  Do you update your Tinder picture in the same way you update your Facebook picture when you need to rid the Halloween profile pic halfway through November? … I think not.

I clicked on and his Tinder profile.  His location marked him as being 21 miles away, weird considering he lives the next town over, and Canton isn’t that wide. I looked at his profile and looked at my watch; 5:30am.  I sat there in the tub trying to figure out if Tinder marked his location as the last place he logged into the app or where he is currently located.  But wherever he is at 5:30am is wherever he was when he went to bed last night.

Quick sanity check: I have absolutely no reason to question where he was or what he was doing 21 miles away, because we have only been on three dates.  I am totally aware of this.


By midmorning *J* texted me:

*J*: “hello”.

Me: “hey, how are you?  How was your night last night?” (yes, I started digging).

*J*: “good, I just went home for the night”.

Me: “interesting, mutherfucker,” (…okay, no, I didn’t actually say that)

Me: “oh nice”.

Meanwhile I’m sitting at my desk picturing a skinny -blonde-yoga bitch riding his face in some sleazy motel room , 21 miles away.  *sigh*

He texted me a bit later and asked what I was doing for lunch.  As it turns out we were going to be in the same area, at the same time.  I agreed to meet up with him, reluctantly.

I drove over to the shopping plaza at lunch time.  I stopped into a burger joint and waited for my food to be ready, at this time he was picking up food at the restaurant next door.  He stopped in.  We chatted for a few minutes.  It was then that he mentioned something about having his mother’s car. He said he drove to his parents last night to swap out cars for today.

I should add that his parents live in Framingham, approximately 21 miles away.


In this moment I feel pretty stupid; yet grateful I didn’t confront him at any point about his location last night. I feel regretful for sitting in the bath tub at 6am this morning, uploading new pictures to my Tinder profile because I decided to ‘fight sexy with sexy’.

The funny thing about online dating is you expect to be disappointed.  I have had enough negative experiences that I expect to be lied to, cheated on, or ghosted.  It is very easy for me to disconnect emotionally, because I’m mindful of my past experiences and I expect nothing different.

In this moment I realized I probably need to say goodbye to my 1,022 Tinder matches and delete my app if we continue to date.  In this moment I also realized regardless of anything else I might be a little bit psycho

(lumber) Jack-Jay

This past weekend I was true to my word and I went on an online date.  I matched with Jay on Tinder earlier in the week and we decided to meet up for a beer.

I watched Jay walk into the brewery.  He was wearing a flannel shirt, work boots, and an inappropriately-long beard.  I sat there for a second and debated how long I wanted to let him search the room for me.  Then I decided I wouldn’t be a jerk, so I stood up and introduced myself.  Jay and I actually hit it off.  I was pleasantly surprised by this because I never like anyone I meet from an app, EVER!

Here’s a quick summary of our date:  beer (I don’t actually like beer, but I can play nice), good conversation, lots of doggies.  Jay has a daughter the exact same age my son, we had some mutual hobbies/interests, etc.  I had one beer because I like to be a classy girl when I first meet someone.  After I finished my drink, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.   Jay messaged me about an hour later about meeting up again.  –on a side note, I appreciate this and I’m all about being upfront, I hate the waiting game.

We spent the rest of the night continuing our conversation from earlier.  We were  messaging back and forth for a few hours. Then, out of nowhere, he sends this:

how long have you been on here?

hmmm…what?  so, ya.. he didn’t mean to send me that message.  SPOLIER ALERT: he’s carrying on conversations with multiple women.  And he was very upfront about the obvious text message mishap.  And replied with, “I’m sure you have other conversations available to you as well.”  Ya dude, I have like 959 matches in my Tinder queue right now.

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Where we left it:

I don’t know why this bothered me. I’m not a particularly jealous person and I’m very empathetic to the way people handle online dating. Carrying on conversations with multiple people is a good way to keep yourself  from wasting time.  It’s silly to put a ton of effort into one person to just have thing fizzle out and have to start over.  Of course I don’t practice what I teach, but I do understand this mindset 😉

I think what bothered me in this situation is that we just met each other a few hours before, it was obviously a mutual like, but still he had to go back home and jump on his phone looking for more attention. I feel like I cant keep someone like that happy.  I think I’m in the point of my life where I do my own thing and I’m not going to be compatible with someone who needs to always be in a relationship or always need attention, it makes me feel very pressured.  So after his short explanation/apology, I squashed it right then and there.

The next morning Jay texted me and apologized again. He had no reason at all to apologize, but the conversation really needed to be over, so I squashed it, again.

I make a lot of decisions off of vibes.  My gut rarely steers me the wrong way.  I felt like it was too soon to be disappointed.  Moving on.

work-a-holic

As the month of April is quickly coming to a close, I realized that the new year is now a 1/3 of the way completed!  a third of the way!!

To recap: my 2019 New Years resolution was to ‘get out there and online date’.  In the past three months I’ve been on zero dates; and you know what?  I’m okay.  Before writing this blog entry I wanted to reevaluate why my NYR was a miss, and I quickly realized I am just too damn busy.

A few months back I picked up a second part-time job.  I needed a little extra money and also really wanted more of a social life on weekends.  Right now I currently work as a server in a country club every Friday and Saturday night.  Its a little silly, but I am planning to get into bartending and actually start making some cash on the side.  A friend of a friend got me this country club gig, and considering I have no restaurant experience I figured a foot in any door was a start. My intention is to get comfortable serving and move to the bar.  I want to work somewhere where I can make tips and start putting some serious cash away for a down payment on a home.

Right now my week is filled weekdays in the office and weekends in the country club.  I’m also doing the single mom thing five days a week, dealing with some serious health issues (many doctors appts in Boston) and trying to maintain some low baseline level of physical activity.  In the past few months I have been seriously looking for a pet, and I found one.  In a couple weeks I bring home my very first puppy.  This is a really big deal for me, as I’ve wanted a dog my entire life. Now my weekend hikes at Blue Hills will be with my new little buddy…hooray.

I’m trying to think what else is new in the past couple months since I’ve blogged….I have discovered the importance of properly hydrating. Tom Brady says half your body weight in ounces. I drink vast quantities of water now.  I totally have that down and then some.  I’ve also been really big into moisturizing.  I officially adopted an old lady bedtime routine with lotion and under eye cream, etc.

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I know, I’m lame.  I’ll give online dating another try.  🙂

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